Support Systems

Support systems. They’re supposed to be good for us humans. I recently learned a lesson that was unlearned for too many years. Loosely defined, a system is a set of connected parts which form a complex whole; a group of things working toward a common goal.

Humans’ support systems depend to a large extent on where the humans decide to congregate. Spirituality and those connected to that spirituality (church, synagogue, ashram, meeting places) could be a support system. Professionals who support our physical health (physicians, chiropractors, optometrists, dentists) or mental health (therapists, counselors, psychiatrists), comprise a support system. Advisors who support our financial health are also part of a support system. Some humans align themselves with other humans who share their leisure time loves (book clubs, dancing, boating, sporting events, music). Other humans surrender control (voluntarily or not) to a different type of support system (money, power, alcohol, narcotics) or search for an exit from that control (Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous).

Human bodies are made up of a number of systems (muscular, nervous, cardiovascular, digestive, skeletal, lymphatic, endocrine, respiratory, immune). These bodies are pushed, pulled, impacted in various ways at various times by one or more of these systems. Our human selves are pushed, pulled and affected by a multitude of systems over our lifetime. Humans working toward a common goal—supporting another human’s needs.

Our support systems change over time. Systems are located or locate us as we age out of our familial system and look to our peers for validation, support. Peers influence our choices, potentially altering our life’s path. Humans start working and our colleagues are called upon to form a support system.

Pieces of the support system change. There are “As Neededs” —pinch hitter contingent supporters but just as important as others in our support system network. “As Neededs” enter our lives at the craziest most unpredictable of times. “As Neededs” appear, unwrap their much needed support and then whoosh; they are gone. They show up at the exact moment needed, provide the exact support needed and then disappear. It’s like when a human is having a really horrible day and considers canceling lunch with that other human. But doesn’t. Gut is spilled as lunch is eaten. Not planned gut spilling but gut spilling nonetheless triggered by Other Human’s innocent question. Other Human utters words. Thoughtful words. Supportive words. Words leading to a shift in horrible day Human’s perception. Horrible day evaporates. Understanding becomes a resident in Human. Months, or years, or forever goes by without seeing Other Human again.

It’s no accident that when the question is asked, it is who is in your support system? The question is not who is your support person? No one person can be a support system. No one person can always be there. No spouse, significant other, parent, child, sibling, friend, can always be there. Support Person cannot always be there no matter how much Human wants Support Person to be there and no matter how much Support Person may want to be there. But why? Support Person has her own stuff. Has her own life. Is struggling with her own need to be supported. Lack of Support Person’s ability to be there for Human doesn’t mean Support Person believes Human is not important.

When Support Person cannot be there, it’s amazing that other humans step up, “As neededs” may appear, family, other peers, colleagues. Somehow, some way, the support which Human needs at that particular point in time materializes. And that’s where gratitude also should materialize. Too many humans focus on Support Person that would not or could not be there rather than on the support system that is. That’s how the interconnectedness of human support systems work. It’s a support system…not a support person.

Patricia Nemeth received her Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Michigan (Ann Arbor). She earned her Juris Doctorate and Masters of Labor Law degree from Wayne State University School of Law. She is the founding partner of Nemeth Law, P.C. which is celebrating its 25th Anniversary in 2017. Patricia decided to start a personal blog because she wanted to write about topics other than the law.