Stepping into the Abyss

--Just look out into the distance.

There’s not really anything in the distance. Water and more water. Bursts of sunlight make their way through the slits my eyes have created. There are no buildings on which to focus. No people. Sky meeting water, almost the same color. Bright blue water. That’s about it. Water, water and more water.

--Yep…keep looking out there…way out into the distance…

--Now move your toes over the edge. How does one really know when their toes are near a few inches away from the edge, at the edge or over the edge? There’s not a way to gauge that. Not a way to feel that. Millimeter by hesitant millimeter I try…

--Not that far…

Millimeter by millimeter in reverse.

--Okay. Yep. Toes on the edge. Now take one big step.

No movement.

--Keep looking out in the distance. Don’t look down. Yep. Toes over the edge. Now take one big step. Keep looking out in the distance and…

Shit. Shit. Shit. What are you doing? You do know we could all die from this right? Me, your mind here. Your body there. Your body’s in this thing too. Did you ever think about that? All of us going down together.

--Now on the count of 3…

I can’t believe you’re doing this to us…

--One…

We don’t have to do this you know. It’s not like anyone was holding a gun to your head or anything. You still don’t have to. We can turn back now. I won’t call you a coward. You would be courageous. You would have the courage to stop this nonsense here and now.

--Two…

We’re standing here…turn around…turn around…turn around NOW. You can’t even see where you’re going. Why did they make you look out in the distance? This is rigged. It’s a rouse I tell you! I’m telling you this is a …

--Three…

Movement. Big step. Falling. I’m in. I’m wet but still breathing.

What better time to take an introductory dive than when you're in your fifties vacationing at the Great Barrier Reef? Who cares that I’m not a great swimmer? Okay, who cares that I’m not a good swimmer? Oh, right. I don’t know how to swim. At least I don’t know how to swim in the middle of an ocean or lake. I can swim (kinda) in a pool where it’s not too far to the safe tiled surrounding floor. The rational part of me is who talked me into this in the first place:

It’s not really swimming. You carry your air with you. How fun is that? Like a mobile home of sorts. You’re supposed to sink. None of that petty trying to stay on top of the water stuff. None of that…float…just float…it’s easy to float.

I don’t know how to float either.

No need to float. No need to swim. Perfect.

My hand is slowly being guided to a rope. Guess that’s a good thing. I jumped in but forgot what I was supposed to be doing next.

Yeah, so, when we talked about that rope thing when we were above water on the boat in our small calm orientation class, I somehow pictured the rope being above water, like strung between two boats and we would be able to practice on that before diving in. But, no, the rope disappears into the water. Ummmm, don’t know why I didn’t expect that since it’s a dive and all. But, I didn’t.

See I told you this was a mistake. Maybe if you had grasped that simple fact when we were up there on that safe awesome boat we all wouldn’t be here now…I’m telling you this was a big…

--Gesturing for me to take that black tube thing out of my mouth. Hmmm. Yeah. That black tube thing is what is giving me air.

You mean keeping us all alive right now?

Hush. I’m trying to focus. Now what did they say up there? Take out black tube thing. Say bubble bubble. Grab second yellow back up tube thing that will keep giving me air.

Noooo…shit…you can’t even find it. Where the hell is it? What the hell? You didn’t pay attention and now look what you’ve done to us!!

A yellow tube comes into view. I’m not holding it. The guide is.

I grab it. Mouthpiece in mouth. Say Two!!! Cleaning out the water…then deep inhale.

Air…what beautiful lovely air. Life giving air. Okay then…that was stressful.

Inhale…exhale. It’s quiet. Deep breaths.

We begin to descend.

What’s that equalizing thing? You’re eyeballs are going to burst. You’re not equalizing enough.

My head begins to hurt. I can feel pressure in my ears.

Are your eyes bulging? Your eyes are definitely bulging.

Oh my God…would you shut up!

Let’s see. Right. Every foot, pinch nose and force air into ear canals and sinuses. All that air space we carry around with us on a daily basis.

Aargh. You are not doing it right. I’m not feeling any better up here. It’s so simple when you can close your mouth. But you can’t. You have that air tube thing. Figure it out…hello?...I’m waiting…not any better up here…

Can’t say that I’ve mastered this, but enough that I can descend farther with the other diver and guide.

Joining up is next. Swimming together the three of us. I like this part. I’m in the middle and am feeling pretty darn safe. Then…I’m released. Time to “swim” on our own. We watch a clam slowly close in reaction to a shadow cast over it. Opening and closing with each passing shadow.

My body’s GPS is a bit screwed up. It’s easier for me to “swim” up toward the top than go down.

That’s a good thing. If you’re drowning, it’s better you know how to get to the top.

But the guide is there--calm--offering a helping hand. Guiding me back to the rope. Slowly retracing the path of our descent.

Stepping into the abyss. Finding another world. Accepting a helping hand. Calming my fear…may the next time be easier.

Patricia Nemeth received her Bachelor of Arts degree from the University of Michigan (Ann Arbor). She earned her Juris Doctorate and Masters of Labor Law degree from Wayne State University School of Law. She is the founding partner of Nemeth Law, P.C. which is celebrating its 25th Anniversary in 2017. Patricia decided to start a personal blog because she wanted to write about topics other than the law.